Monday, December 26, 2011

Why Blog? Seems an act of futility, really.

I really want to blog, but I'm not always sure what to write about. I guess I could talk about myself, but that seems so narcissistic.
This has been a really stressful year for me. I left my job of nine years and began working in a new school system. I really have been enjoying it but I sometimes wonder if I should just give up teaching and work in some other industry. I just don't know. I"m not sure what I would be good at. I mean I would love to be in theatre full time or teach theatre full time, but that isn't going to happen anytime soon because a.) there are no theatre jobs out there in my area, and b.) I don't have the education to teach on a university level.
I turn 47 in less than a week and I feel inadequate and don't really feel like I've done a whole lot with my life nor made a difference in general. I feel like my favorite quote from the movie 24 Hour Party People, "I'm a minor player in my own life story."
I'm not saying these things to gain sympathy nor try to fish for compliments. I just continually wonder if I'm ever going to measure up to life.
I don't want to be just a forgotten man, but the way my life seems to be going, I will be. I want more for my life, my wife, and son. I don't want to live in the house I'm in for the rest of my life. I don't know if I want to do what I'm doing for the rest of my life. I want to provide for them.
I'd like to write, but feel uninspired. I don't know where to begin. I have ideas in my head, but every time I try to put them down on paper, I give up because it is just too difficult to continue on or I lose interest with it. Is it laziness? Probably.  I want to do something where I can stay home all day and muse about things and get paid for it. Isn't that ridiculous? I mean really.
Maybe, someday, I'll buy a lottery ticket and get lucky. The prospect of that seems highly unlikely.  I don't really play the lottery. I think it is a waste of money.
Anyway, if you read this blog, congratulations! I think I would have given up a long time ago.

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